SUMMER'S COMING                                       AND THE FAT STILL PREVAILS                                                                         By Richard Livsey NEW YORK CITY - There are six weeks to go before summer officially kicks in and my stomach is so puffy and bloated that I make Homer Simpson look like a Versace model on the runway in Milan. Now my weight wouldn't be a problem if I had some money tucked away in the bank. Because when you're wealthy, you can be overweight and balding and still be attractive. But when you live paycheck to paycheck, you better get your flabby ass to  the gym. The fact is, the  only place that broke, fat  guys are welcome is at the  $4.99 all you can eat  Mexican buffet. So I have a month and a  half to drop fifteen to twenty  pounds. So before I am  forced to take my shirt off  at the beach, and reveal my  budding man tits. I have gone beyond the experts for some unorthodox advice on how to lose weight fast. A friend of mine swears by his Crystal Meth and pepper mints diet. It only took him two heart attacks and one triple bypass later for him to drop thirty pounds. Hmmm . . . It's tempting, but I'm not sure if a drug overdose is covered by my insurance. Then there's this girl I know that picked up a parasite while touring Africa. She's back down to the same dress size that she wore while in high school. And despite all the headaches, vomiting and chronic diarrhea, she feels great. But for that diet to work, I would have to buy a plane ticket, take time off, and we already discussed my financial situation. Finally, there's the Parisian Diet which consists of warm croissants, orange juice (no ice) and two packs of unfiltered cigarettes a day (bathing optional). They all sound good, especially the parasite diet because if you're throwing up all the time, then you can eat whatever you want. But  when it really comes down to it,  and I'm talking about down to the  last crumb in that bag of potato  chips that we call life. The only  way that I'm going to lose weight is  by getting out of bed early, and  pressing play on the Rocky theme  song: Bom-bom-ba-ba-bom-ba-ba bam-bom-bom . . . Cause the way that I see it, unless they figure out a way to sew my mouth shut without hindering my ability to talk and breath, there will never be an easy way to lose weight. It essentially comes down to one word, and I'll give you a hint, it starts with the letter - D. No . . . Not Death, but Discipline. Man if they could bottle that stuff and force feed it to us every morning, we would be the best looking and most productive country in the world, and not the cellulite riddled, slackers that we have become over the last couple of decades. So if you're like me, and you're still carrying around last year's cheese burgers and beer on your waistline like some deranged trophy of flab. Don't worry because we can do this. It's not too late to shed some pounds, but if we don't get it done in the next six weeks . . . Well there's always fat camp. Where the food is bland, the sing-a-longs ring true and everyone wears a shirt into the pool.     HOME STORY ARCHIVE ABOUT DONATE