A USER'S GUIDE FOR THE CURT AND CLUELESS
By Richard Livsey
Shakespearean play on Broadway. Hopefully, the latter will never happen, but there are thousands of patrons
out there that don’t have a clue about how a restaurant works. These are the same people that don’t
understand why their flight was canceled during a blizzard.
Luckily for you, my job is to educate and enlighten the masses. And I am confident by the time you finish
reading this column, you will be ready to tackle any culinary experience. Now this is not a complete list, but
seven basic guidelines to follow the next time you sit down to dinner:
1) If you’re not ready to order, and that includes everyone in your party, don’t call the waiter over. You’re server
has more important things to do than to listen to you weight your lofty decision of whether or not you should get
the Cobb Salad or the New York Strip Steak?
2) Don’t recreate the menu. I know you’re a whiz in your own kitchen. That you can boil water and pop frozen
dinners into the microwave with one hand tied behind your back, but there may be the slightest chance that the
chef that created the menu (keyword in the sentence “created”) just might know a little bit more about cuisine
than you.
3) Don’t go to an expensive restaurant, and order a soup or salad as an entree. These are appetizers, not
main courses, and if you cannot afford a full meal, then go to a restaurant that won’t blow your budget. Trust
me, there are plenty of them. Where do you think I eat?
4) If you’re unhappy about you table, the price of a mixed drink or the sound of the drunk guys bellowing
laughter at the table next to you. Don’t take it out on your waiter’s tip. Even most kitchen mistakes are beyond
your server’s control. Likewise if the food is taking a long time, it’s usually not your waiter’s fault. And by the
way, the kitchen staff could careless if you stiff the waiter.
5) Since we’re talking about tipping. Gratuity should be based on how your server handled your table. From
the first greeting, to the delivery of drinks, to answering all your stupid questions (Can I have the cucumber
salad without cucumbers?), to recommending dishes, and finally dropping the check in a timely fashion. And
when a waiter goes above and beyond, it’s a complete insult to tip below twenty percent.
For instance, it’s your friend’s birthday, so you pull the server to the side and request something special. At the
end of the meal your server gathers up all the other waiters (who are busy with their own tables), puts a candle
in a piece of cake and they present the dessert to your friend with an enthusiastic “Happy Birthday to you . . .”
Now a tip under 20% is an insult, yet it happens all the time.
6) Don’t set up camp. Staying longer than an two hours in any restaurant especially a busy one, is just rude.
Unless of course, your party is more than six people. Then it is perfectly acceptable to stay for three hours, but
not four and certainly not five. This is a business, not your living room.
7) Finally for all of you “regulars” out there. If you are demanding, require excessive attention or speak to your
waiter in the same manner that you would command a dog, let me give it to you straight -
The Entire Staff Hates You!
Those smiles are fake and let me assure you that they are cursing your name behind your back from the
moment you enter until the moment you leave.
Do you have any waiting tables horror stories? Send them in, the best ones will be posted on this website.
feedback@richardlivsey.com
More columns:
Kill The Noise
My New Appreciation for Women
An Inconvenient Truth